I’ve had this photograph for 2 years now. It’s one of my favorites. It was taken in March, when I was waiting for winter to thaw and spring to bloom. I was taking pictures in the yard, and then I saw it. There, nestled among the gray, hope. Blooming in the middle of the dead leaves and dried branches.
It reminds me of my journey of motherhood these past few years. The struggles, the tears and emptiness. Wondering if I’d ever be on the other side of my postpartum depression and anxiety. It’s been a long, hard struggle. There have been times of loneliness and fear, hopelessness and frustration.
I’ve been waiting for winter to end.
I’ve been waiting to bloom.
Slowly, quietly, spring is coming. It’s been a long, hard winter of labor and patience. But the days are getting longer and warmer. I see color again.
Today I can say I have hope. Today I can say I’m shedding the gray pallor of winter. It’s not to say I don’t have days where I struggle, but I have days where I don’t struggle either. I have days where I’m genuinely living and enjoying my life. I’ve worked really hard for this. I think I will always work for this, but it is getting easier. There is always hope.
Spring is here. In more ways than one.
I know I’ve been so quiet in this space of mine. After having had the baby I just really needed to rein everything in and take care of myself. My postpartum anxiety was bad. Really bad. I cleared everything off the table and focused on taking care of myself and my family.
It was really good.
I’ve been spending time with friends, rediscovering my hobbies, focusing on nutrition and enjoying time with my family. I’ve also been seeing my doctor, a therapist and getting more involved with my church. My faith has carried me through this immensely difficult time.
Truthfully, it was nice to be able to step away from the computer for a bit. I’d realized I’d become a slave to it’s obligations. But I couldn’t keep up either, not with a toddler and a newborn and very little sleep.
But I’ve missed my outlet here. I’ve missed writing and putting my words out there. I need the healing power of writing and creativity. And I’m finally in a place where I feel I can do this again.
I want this space to be a resource and a comfort for other moms who are struggling, whether you have PPD or not. I just want to be a safe place.
So today I just want to share a small piece of hope.