I’ve been wanting to write this post for a long time but just didn’t know how to convey what I wanted to say. I feel like I’ve been in a knot over this for a long time and don’t know how to untangle my heart from hurt and disappointment.
I feel like I’ve always been on the fringe of things. An outsider. In the 8th grade, we moved and I had to start a new school. I pretty much spent the entire year hopping from one cafeteria table to the next, trying so hard to find a place to fit in, but always somehow feeling edged out, like I didn’t belong.
In many ways, I’m still table hopping. I’ve joined moms groups, I’ve reached out to new friends, only to feel once again that I’m pushed to the sidelines. That I’m not quite memorable enough to be thought of to call or plan a fun day with. Most of the time I have to do the reaching out, as much as it goes against my personality. But I do it regardless.
When I look back over the years, I see that this is generally a theme in my life. Sure I have made some lifelong friends for which I am beyond grateful, but more often than not, I feel like I’m stuck on the edge, on the outside looking in, wanting to belong. I make the effort to show up, only to be barely met with a quick hello or altogether ignored. It hurts. A lot.
Yes, I am the quiet one. Yes, I am shy in new situations, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to get to know you. And really, I do push myself to make the effort to ask questions, smile, do the inviting. But I find myself consistently disappointed with the lack of response and lack of reaching out.
I see so many others making connections within the same groups and I can’t help but wonder what I’m doing wrong. Why it’s so hard. And it seems like once a few women find each other as friends, then the door is closed. No one else is allowed in. And once again, I find myself being the outsider. You can say it’s just about them and their issues, but after a while, you wonder if it really is just about you.
I don’t believe in being exclusive. I don’t believe in letting the new girl sit by herself and not invite her to come join in. I don’t know why other people can’t make an effort to at least be polite. We don’t have to be best friends, you don’t need to invite me to dinner. But can’t we at least be kind and welcoming when we do see each other? A simple hi, what’s new with you?
I could go on with stories but I don’t want to dwell on those negative feelings. I don’t want to keep focusing on what I don’t have, but how do I not be hurt over this? Maybe this is like dating, where you have to keep weeding and weeding and weeding until you find the right person that you click with. I don’t know. I’m pretty exhausted by all of this.
Really needing to pour my heart out with Shell.
You’re not alone. When reading this, it sounded just like me.
Adrienne recently posted..A Year of Ladybug
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this too. It’s so hard.
I’ve pretty much given up. I haven’t made a new friend (not including online folks) in nearly 4 years. I haven’t ventured out, made efforts, or followed up with the very few I have met. And my old, old friends – they’re all moving away. I’m beginning to think I’m going to be left with no one very soon.
It’s kinda sad, but I’m kinda stuck. I don’t feel any motivation to put myself out there. It could be because I feel like you, in a way, I don’t want to be the one on the outside. And I might just be. Sigh.
Sorry you’re feeling this way. xo
Alison recently posted..Memories Captured February Linkup, And Some News
I’m sorry Alison. I do feel that you have really made some solid friendships online (and I realize that it’s a bummer that you live so far away and don’t always get to meet people) and I really admire the loyalty and support you’ve built with those online friends. So you’re doing something right.
On the other hand, I totally get the lack of motivation. It is very tiring to keep putting yourself out there and getting hurt. Or, like you said, seeing friends move. Maybe one day it’ll click for both of us. Hang in there. And thanks for your support.
I haven’t made a new friend, outside of my online ones, in about 13 years, after my oldest son was born. I lost all of my friends when I was pregnant with him because of my situation. That hurt. More than I could admit. And now? Well, I just don’t make the effort I once did to put myself out there. Am I lonely? At times. But I also have a few close people that I lean on when I need to.
Kimberly recently posted..What Would It Be Like?
That really stinks about your friends walking away when you had your son. I’m so sorry. I believe friends need to stick together more so when things are tough. I don’t blame you for not putting out the effort. It’s hard for me to after I’ve been hurt so much.
I can totally relate to this. Because of it, my only friends are the ones I was close to in high school, and a lot of them have moved away. I have a few great friends, but none that live nearby, and none with children like me, and certainly not any friends that are ‘new’. It’s like it’s impossible to make friends as an adult. I also feel I’m just not memorable enough.
Venassa recently posted..How To Get The Most Out of Your Baby Clothing Budget
Yes, I am close to high school/college friends and we don’t live close to each other which is really hard. It’s so much harder than I realized to make friends at this stage.
I am in the process of withdrawing from the few irl friends I’ve made. Too much of my effort not being returned. I’ll just rely on my husband. You are not alone.
Charity recently posted..Investing
I’ve had to withdraw a lot too for the same reasons. I figure I’ve made an effort, the ball is in your court b/c I can’t do it all. And I just figure if they really cared, they’d make an effort too.
I do feel this way, Rach.
All the time.
It’s work to keep going. And for me, to go down the rabbit hole that comes naturally–which is the “what is it about me?” or “why don’t they like me?” or “they met her after me and now they’re doing stuff together?” or “why am I never included in their dinner plans, or get togethers?” I have found that I’ll never have answers to that. And any answers to that would just hurt me. There is something about me that they don’t like.
The truth is, not everyone will like everyone. And I think of people that have not clicked with me, they were kind, but I never felt that we would agree on issues. I was gracious, but I knew that they were not the kind that would give me energy in my sometimes fragile state.
It’s very hard, Rach. And it’s work, and that’s why I love Brene Brown and Byron Katie and Gretchen Rubin. It’s why I read their sites daily and own their books.
Because left to our natural states, we’ll drown in the pain of rejection, isolation, and exclusion.
Life is not fair. People are not nice.
Sometimes it is as ugly simple as that.
All this to say, I know what you mean. I really do. And I know what it feels like to be treated like that by someone, it’s not nice. But there are people in the world like this–all we can do back is stand up taller, smile more, be that best wife/parent/friend/daughter we can be and walk that superwoman walk. Work on our lives, as lonely as they feel. Yes, I know it sucks–but you can’t change small minded, unkind, non compassionate, people.
Also, this: my inner self talk “I’m just too damn funny for y’all.”
You are too damn funny for people.
But you know I love that about you. And all these other wonderful things.
You always have the right words to say and you always seem to understand. Thank you for reminding me of these things, lovingly and gently. You’ve worked so hard to get to where you are and it so obviously shows. I can’t imagine people not loving you b/c you offer so much love, kindness, empathy, humor. There’s always room at your table.
Thank you for the reminder. I keep your comments to read on days when I need to remember the important things.
I could have written this. It is so hard to find friends, and I have never figured out the secret.
We moved five years ago, and other than one blogger who I do things with in real life (usually blogging event kind of things) I have not made a single friend. All my social stuff happens online.
Tracie recently posted..Field Of Peace
Oh Tracie, I’m so sorry that you’re going through this too. I think we’d get along so well if we lived closer. At least we can talk online together.
It’s exhausting, but I think it’s common. You make friends when you’re growing up because it’s just the normal way of doing things and as time progresses everyone retreats into their own lives. This girl treated it like a job:
http://www.amazon.com/MWF-Seeking-BFF-Yearlong-Search/dp/0345524942/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1360771355&sr=8-1&keywords=seeking+bff
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Yeah, I get that life gets busy & when we’re younger we’re in school and surrounded by people our age and we have less responsibility. But at the same time, I do see connections being made by people in my life stage and I can’t help but wonder what I’m missing. I’d heard of that book before, but maybe I need to really read it.
Thanks, Annie.
I’m blown away by the response by Alexandra! It’s so perfect that now I forget what I wanted to say! The gist of my point is that I can relate to this feeling, too. I have literally heard people say they thought upon meeting me the first few times that I was a bitch or stuck-up, when really I’m just shy and quiet. If it weren’t for my job, where I meet new people every so often (and a few of them actually become my friends), I wouldn’t really put myself out there and meet anyone new despite attending social events where I witness that kind of thing happening all around me. I don’t think you are alone with this feeling.
Jaime recently posted..Self-Care, How I Roll (With a Giveaway!)
Thanks Jaime, for understanding. I feel like you do when I did work full time. It didn’t seem like I needed it as much, but now that I’m home, I realize how much I need that interaction, but I also realize how hard and exhausting it can be too. It’s really hard.
I think this is true for many women. Not feeling like you quite fit in, not having that one friend who invites you out to dinner or lunch and if there is it’s because you’ve extended the invitation. I think we feel like once we’re mommies this will get better but I think it only gets worse…..But hang in there. I feel the same way as you but at least there are those few true friends who are always there no matter what happens and those are the ones that really matter.
Kelly G recently posted..Time To Color
It does feel like it’s getting worse some days and then I panic about when my kid is in school and I have to deal with all the school moms, the high school moms and I feel like it’s never going to end. But if I could just find the 1 or 2 faithful ones to stick it out with…
I love you, and you know I understand this. It hurts to be rejected, and even if you know that it’s not about you, it still hurts.
story recently posted..Doing it right: Reaching out
Yes, it does hurt. Very much so. I know you understand and thanks for listening on those many, many occasions.
This is so hard for me to read. You are such a sweet, fun friend. I wish we lived closer and I weren’t so darn busy & working so much these days. We’d get together a lot more often. I wish you didn’t have to feel this way.
I think for me it’s that I get so wrapped up in my family and my work and my photos and birthday party planning, etc… that it’s hard to make time for my friends. Which is SO awful! And not the way I should do things. I’m blessed to have the friends I do! I need to make time for them so I keep them!
Meagan recently posted..Away
Oh Meagan thank you. I hope you know that you’ve never made me feel that way. I have always enjoyed our time together even though it’s not often enough. But I truly understand how things get busy with illness, different Mother’s Day Out schedules, work, hobbies, etc. It’s more the deliberate snubs and seeing people say they don’t have time, yet finding time for other people, you know? That’s what really hurts. We’ll see each other again soon hopefully! But please know that I really do enjoy our time together and I look forward to hanging out again!
I feel this way sometimes. I have a few close girlfriends IRL, who I see too rarely, and communicate with mostly via text and FB these days… I see old friends (including my sister) going out for dinner, or birthday parties, or Girls Night Outs, or movies, or just to a local sports bar, and I’m never invited… it used to hurt more, for me to get over that hurt and move on, was to decide that it really wasn’t that important to me anymore. now I focus instead on the important people – my family, and spending time with my girls. not that I don’t still have those feelings of “why not me?” and throw myself a pity party from time to time, but if I really look at it – most of the time if I were invited, I most likely wouldn’t go anyway. I was just invited by my BIL to my sister’s 31st bday party – it’s going to be a Party Bus taking the group just over an hour away to a Toby Keith’s I LOVE THIS BAR & GRILL, then bringing them back so they can hit the bar – it sounds like they will have a blast. Yeah, I’m not going. and I could feed you all the reasons why that I gave to my BIL, but really, they don’t matter. What matters is that I actually WAS invited, and intentionally turned it down… because I guess that just doesn’t fit into life right now. and I’m okay with that. (by the way – I love my sister & BIL dearly, and we get along great, they just like to go out more than I do I guess)
I’m totally not saying that you should decide those people don’t matter too, I’m just saying that is how I ended up dealing with the repeated disappointments, and it’s working out for me. I have some amazing online friends (who I need to get caught up with in the near future) and my few IRL friends I can always count on when I need them are around too… if we could ever find time to get together, life would be a bowl of cherries… kinda.
HUGS to you, sweet Rach. XO
Rusti recently posted..in a panic
should that be “whom” in that first line?? *sigh* oh well.
Rusti recently posted..in a panic
Sometimes I intentionally turn things down too (bad time of the day, event doesn’t really “fit” anymore, etc),but those are rare b/c I guess a lot of the people I choose to be around are similar to me and have the same interests. I really like your perspective and seeing how you’re more ok with being home, being with your family and not needing a ton of other things. Thank you Rusti. I really appreciate it.
I had to learn to be the one to initiate things. Plan a girls’ night out or a playdate. And maybe be a little pushy about it all. Because otherwise, my natural introvert-ness would take over and I’d be on the fringes by default. It was SO hard but it was what finally worked for me.
You know, until we moved again and I didn’t have the energy to do it all over again. SIGH.
Shell recently posted..Pour Your Heart Out: My Kind of Romance
I’ve been a little better about initiating and I do see some pay off. But it hurt when I did feel like I put myself out there and kept getting rejected. It’s so hard & it’s very tiring.
Huge hugs, Rach. I struggled with making friends as friends moved away, and our lives took different paths. As I started feeling more confident in myself and taking risks this past year, I have started to make new friends in real life as well as online. It is so tough putting yourself out there. I do know this. If I hadn’t asked Alexandra out for coffee, I wouldn’t be involved in this incredible project with her.
Thanks Jenny. You’re very lucky to have Alexandra.
((hugs)) I moved to a new state in 7th grade just as we started middle school and I remember feeling like I was always hovering on the edge…jumping groups..all of whom were nice but none that I ever felt I belonged too. I eventually found my people and though we are thousands of miles away I know that they would surround me and support me in a heartbeat. Transitions in life seem to make connections that much harder. I’ve moved several times as an adult and had to start all over again and it can suck but when you finally make those connections all that hard work is worth it.
Robbie recently posted..Callback
The hard work really is worth it when you can find those connections. It’s just the process of getting there sometimes is so discouraging!
It’s so hard to make friends. Your words rang true with me. Sometimes I even feel that way with my online circles. I’m so glad to be stopping by from PYHO. I’m happy to find your blog!
Ashley recently posted..I’m Too Old for This…Right?
I feel that way with my online circles, as well as the IRL ones. It’s such a hard road to navigate sometimes.
I think that is one of the biggest things they don’t tell you. How hard it is to make adult friends. So much work with so little pay off.
I have kind of slacked off in my make a friend efforts lately. I definitely feel like I need to step things up a little bit. If only becuase I want to be a good example to my children. I want them to value friendships and I don’t want them to have to work so hard as adults to have friendships. I think Shell is right sometimes you do have to be a little bit pushy.
Also I don’t think it is wrong to just have a few close friends. A few close friends may not fill up your social calendar, but the time spent together is definitely worth the effort.
Heather recently posted..40 and Fabulous?
Making adult friends has been 10 times harder than when I was in school! And it’s hard with different schedules, naps, kids’ ages, etc. So many factors and not enough time. And I do agree that having a few close friends is probably better. I wish I could rest in that confidence.
Oh Rach. This feeling. I know it. I am SO glad that I haven been in this same place for so long. I have a few close friends that have grown over the last few years. But literally, it took years to form these friendships. And I have felt what you are describing so. many. times.
Just keep doing what you’re doing. I know it is exhausting. I know it hurts to put yourself in those situations and exhausting to plaster a smile on and look like you’re having fun when you’re watching OTHER people be friendly. But I’m sure you’ll eventually start slowly moving into a group. At least, that is how it happened with me.
So many hearts and hugs and loves to you. I hate that you’re feeling like this. Hate it.
It’s very exhausting, especially when you do feel like you’re making an effort and those efforts are overlooked or rejected.
But, I know I need to keep trying because it’s important to make connections and you never know who is around the corner.
I 100% relate to you. I often feel like I’m left out of some mom clique or the playdate club. I wonder if it’s me. I know I feel awkward and am not good with small conversation and I’m very shy in new situations and maybe it comes across in my personality. I admit I don’t put myself out there, I don’t ask to join not do I offer to do anything. I have very few friends that I do anything with. I don’t go to dinner parties or girl nights. I can’t even say it gets better because I’m right where you are. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and I hope it does get easier or better for you
I tend to be on the shy side too and I wonder if people just assume I’m not interested in talking to them. Thanks for letting me know that I’m not alone. I hope things get better for us both.
It really is harder as adults…not sure why…maybe b/c we aren’t thrown together b/c of school, college, or even work if you are a SAHM…it’s just hard to find those strong connections.
Natalie recently posted..A Valentine’s Play Date
I think the fact that we’re not thrown together for 8-10 hours/day is a huge factor. Not to mention less free time to just hang out. I never realized how hard it was.
I know what you are talking about here. I too have always felt on the outside. It bothered me a lot when I had my first and I was on maternity leave. I felt really isolated, wondered why I didn’t have a big group of mommy friends to hang out with. Nothing has changed but my feelings have these days. I just don’t miss it – having a constant group of friends to hang out with. I hope you find some peace with it to. And for the record, you are memorable.
Kim recently posted..A deposit
I think that’s key–to change our attitudes and feelings about it. I think that would definitely help my contentment level, plus help me to just be more relaxed when I do meet people. And thank you for your kind comment.
I’m 43 years old and often felt that I was left out of the mommy sphere, because, well, I didn’t have children. People actually assumed I didn’t want children, because I wasn’t “poor me, I can’t have any”… at least… that’s what the specialist said many years ago… but here we are, expecting our little surprise miracle, on Monday (scheduled c section due to high blood pressure issues). But even though I’ll enter into the mommy world.. I know I’m older than most. I know I’m quiet and shy in a group. So, I truly feel your words and worry that I’ll be hurt in that same way.
Aleta recently posted..We Cheated
Congratulations on your new little one! I hope you do find some great mommy friends. Yes, it’s so hard and I also entered it a little later than most of the women I do know–they are a good 6-8 years younger than me and just have very different experiences than I did. And I’m also shy in a group. I guess we just have to keep pushing on.
Look at all of the love!
I get this, but only because after I saw all of the cliques and groups I decided not to join. I wanted to be my own group and just join in here and there.
You are very important to more people than you realize.
Leighann recently posted..Excitement Leads to Pee
I think part of my problem is that, like you, I loathe joining cliques and groups. I want to be friends with anyone regardless. Thank you, Leighann, for always being sweet and supportive.
I can relate to so much in this post & it definitely does hurt.
I do feel lucky that I have some really great friends where I live that I get to spend a good amount of time with (we all have kids close in age so that helps too). But I have noticed I have a much harder time with putting myself out there in the blogging community…is that weird?! It seems like so many women already know each other & have connected & they all have their friends here & for me it is really hard & scary to just jump in on conversations & really put myself out there.
Hugs. You are definitely not alone
Andrea recently posted..mixed emotions dealing with secondary infertility
I sometimes have a hard time with the blogging community too. It’s ebb and flow for me online. But I also have a hard time putting myself out there IRL too b/c I can be shy and quiet. I’m glad that you’ve found some good friends. I’m slowly getting there, but it is taking longer than I thought!
I get this. So much. Sometimes it is where I am, other times it isn’t – but either way I get it.
Thanks for reaching out to me on twitter today. (hugs)
Also, p.s. love the incredible responses here. Amazing and open and real and raw.
Andrea recently posted..That girl.
I love the honesty too. I appreciate when people are real. Thanks for stopping by–and I’m glad we’ve connected.
I can totally relate to this… as a teenager I did sit quietly in the corner and wonder why no one wanted to talk to me, getting increasingly depressed until my Aunt told me that I needed to be the one to make the first move – it helped, but I still find myself not naturally ‘fitting in’.
As I’ve gotten older, I realized that I am – by nature – a selfish person. I like talking about myself (which is why I blog), and that was starting to overflow into all of my friendships – I was talking and talking, and not listening at all. I started to notice people who just seemed SO GOOD at being with other people, and the common pattern was that they asked great questions that made the person they were talking to feel important – so everyone wanted to talk to them also. I started taking mental notes of good questions to ask, and tried to implement that in my own conversations. The hardest thing was realizing that I wasn’t asking questions because I didn’t really care – and training myself to ask anyway. C.S. Lewis once said ‘If you feel as though you don’t love someone – act like you do – and love will eventually follow’. I think there’s a lot of truth to this because sometimes we need to be honest about our feelings, but also realize that we can change them – but not in an instant. And it wasn’t that I didn’t care about people – I just cared more about my own story than theirs – and after a while, I found myself really starting to care about other people’s stories also.
I’m still a bit of an outsider, and largely because I don’t want to conform. I have lost friends because I sometimes say things without thinking, and they are misunderstood. My true friends will either know I mean well, or will be true enough to me to tell me if I’ve said something I shouldn’t have said. I have come to terms with the fact that friends that I have to be ridiculously careful what I say around – the people who will get offended but not say anything and so I’m always wondering – aren’t really the kind of friends I want to have anyway. I’m happy with the few friends I have that I can be truly myself around, and am getting better at realizing that not everyone will be ‘that friend’.
I am also learning a bit more about what sorts of things people get offended by, and am learning not to say them!
Anyway, that was a long rant that only proved that I like to talk about myself – sorry about that – but maybe there’s something in my experience that can either encourage you or help you? I’m not an expert on any of this, but I need other people to help me, and maybe there’s something in my story that can help someone else also.
Samantha recently posted..Am I Just Greedy, or What?
Thank you for that. I don’t like conformity either and I know that’s part of the issue. But I just can’t pretend to be something I’m not just to fit in. I like that C.S. Lewis quote–it’s very true. Sometimes I do want to talk about myself or I want people to ask me questions about me. But it’s important to be that for someone else too.