Rocking in the chair, nursing my new baby, I often found myself dozing after a few minutes. If I could keep myself awake though, I felt a little…bored. During those early days of marathon nursing sessions, especially in the middle of the night, I needed something to occupy myself. An outlet of sorts.
Reading a book or magazine while nursing or pumping was near impossible. I didn’t have an e-reader or even an iPhone then. So while I sat and rocked, my mind thought of the many things I didn’t know about how to be a mother, about how scared I was and how very, very tired I felt. I nursed my baby while tears fell down my face, feeling very much alone.
There’s nothing like feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders while you are awake with your new baby at 3am.
Then one day, before I sat down in the familiar glider in my new daughter’s room, I pulled it out of its box. A brand new laptop. It had been sitting for several weeks, forgotten by the chaos of a household with a new baby. I set it on the nightstand next to the glider and opened up a new world.
I had no idea there was such a huge world of bloggers out there. It seems astonishing now, but I never read any before. I sat and read blogs written by mothers, about how hard mothering can be, how tiring, how imperfect. Mothers confessed to bad days, tempers, fears of messing up. I read about lack of sleep, exploding diapers and painful nursing.
I read about me.
Suddenly the overwhelming loneliness of my struggle didn’t seem to weigh me down as much. Someone out there understood, knew, had been there. I wasn’t alone, I wasn’t the first one to cry, to be scared, to be completely knocked over by this thing called motherhood. It was more real than the real people in front of me.
And so after a few weeks, my own blogging journey began. I wrote about the hard times and the good times. I wrote about how I was struggling. And you came. You reached out, told me it was all ok. I made friends, friends came to visit, friends called. Others reached out on twitter and email. It was a relief to know I wasn’t alone.
I’m 2 years into motherhood, which means 2 years into blogging. There are days where I can’t find my voice to write and days where I write about the mundane. But I have found a place to write about what’s on my heart and mind and I’ve been encouraged and buoyed by people, many of whom I’ve never met in person.
Hard to believe all of this started by opening a little silver box.