I know I’ve been really quiet on my blog lately. Whenever I sit down to write, I just stare at the screen and eventually distract myself with email, Pinterest, even housework.
I know there is plenty to write about, but the words just don’t seem to flow. I feel like I can’t convey what’s swirling in my head or heart. It’s frustrating because writing is my outlet.
And lately, it feels forced, sloppy and choppy. I feel like I’m throwing mud against the wall. It’s not pretty, it’s not deliberate. It’s just splatter.
Have I lost my motivation? Am I just in a weird spot right now? Part of it is feeling like my words don’t really matter. I know we all say to just write for yourself, but sometimes, don’t we write publicly for that community, that affirmation that what we say matters? I think if I wanted to write just for myself, I would just write in a diary.
I want to know that what I say matters to someone. And lately, honestly? It feels like it doesn’t. I’ve made some friends through this blog, both people I’ve met and people I have yet to meet. But at the same time, some friends have disappeared. I know it’s ebb and flow, but to admit it doesn’t hurt would be untrue.
I question my writing, my thoughts. I wonder if you want to know that I’ve spent an inordinate amount of time in my daughter’s bathroom as we’ve begun potty training. I wonder if you’re curious about my latest craft endeavor. And I want to share both some wonderful news and some things I’ve been wrestling with, but I seem to hesitate.
Another part of this too is that I can’t seem to squeeze out what I want to say. All these words are jumbled up inside of me and no matter which way I turn the pieces, I can’t quite seem to get them to fit. It doesn’t sound right whenever I try to write.
So I don’t write. I don’t want it to sound forced, I don’t want my writing to be less than my best effort. And I want my words to be heard, understood. Felt.
I’m not sure what I need to get my groove back. More quiet? More practice? More caffeine?
I miss this outlet, this creativity. I think it’s ok to not write if my heart isn’t here right now. But I really hope I find my way back.