I’ve been told that I’m an angry person. That my natural inclination is toward the cynical and bitter. Hearing that didn’t hurt. Because I know it’s true.
Lately it’s gotten worse. I am optimistic, but for other people. I can’t seem to do it for myself.
I don’t know why I’m angry. Or why I hurt so much sometimes. It’s dumb. I’m tired of talking about it. I’m tired of throwing a pity party for myself. You all aren’t invited because pity parties are lame.
And frankly, I’m pretty tired of my own attitude. I don’t even want to hang around me.
But I don’t know what to do. I’m kind of lost right now.
**********
I’m a bundle of contradictions.
I say that I’m lonely but I isolate myself.
I say that I don’t have friends, but I run away from the ones I have.
I say I have nothing to do but I make up excuses to avoid going.
I say I want friends but I don’t reach out.
I say that I’m a friend worth having, but when someone reaches out to me, I tell myself that they’d never want to friend someone like me.
I say that I want to participate, but I hold myself back.
I say that I can do it, but I don’t.
I say that I want to be happy but I don’t work at it.
**********
The irony isn’t lost on me. I do this to myself.
I keep hiding. I keep avoiding.
I keep hurting.
I only see what I don’t have, how I’m not included, how I’m alone.
And part of me knows that’s what I choose to see. Because I could choose to see the good in my life and know how much I’m loved. It’s just a harder choice for me to make.
So I keep spiraling.
I want off this ride. I’m sick and dizzy from this roller coaster of emotions. I wonder if I’m just afraid to be happy?
**********
I don’t know how to get over this. The only thing I absolutely do know is that I do not want to feel this way. It isn’t just that I can make up my mind to be happy. If only it were that easy.
I don’t know what it’s going to take. But I need it to change.
We are very similar. I do this to myself so much that for a while my resolution was to “answer the phone.” I meant it literally because I almost never actually answer my phone, but also figuratively because I have a tendency to pass on every opportunity because I think of all the downsides. But if I force myself to get out there, often I’m glad I did. Still, even with this mantra, I regress all the time. So I still feel isolated, crabby, depressed, which gets me back in the cycle of avoidance.
I wish I knew how to fix it beyond forcing ourselves to get back out there. I know all too well that it’s not that easy, and that it’s not just about making our minds up to be happy. Wish I could offer advice, but the best I can do is total sympathy.
Jessica@Team Rasler recently posted..Thoughts on “The Help”
I’m sorry that you feel this way too. I know there’s usually no advice but I appreciate the fact that you get it.
That you are opening up about this is the first step towards bettering yourself, Rach. First, don’t be so hard on yourself. Give YOU chance. Start with small steps. Accept the next invitation for coffee with a friend, for example.
Remember, inch by inch, my friend.
Small steps is right. More manageable, less scary. Thank you.
I think what you posted is the stuff that humans are made of and battle with every day. I know I do. I say I want one thing but my actions and feelings contradict me. Thank you for writing this because it will make many of us, not just me, not feel so alone. I wish I could give you a magic cure all, but all I can do is thank you and encourage you to just keep swimming. (In my best Dori voice.)
gin recently posted..Am I *Truly* Grateful? (PYHO)
I’m sorry that you relate to this too. It’s really hard saying one thing and knowing what you want, but just not knowing how to get it.
Hey Rach sorry you are feeling this way. I hope you find the answers you are looking for to put you at ease. We’re here for you!
Natalie recently posted..Wordless Wednesday: Bump Style
Thanks Natalie. I hope I find some answers too. This is getting old.
Ah hun, I can clearly remember the day I turned to my husband and said that I was tired of feeling so angry all the time . . . I didn’t want to be that way. The anger, the isolation, all that was tied to my depression. I am not saying that it is for you but it was for me and what helped me was seeing a therapist, getting on meds and finally breaking free of the grip that the depression had on my life.
Big squishy virtual hugs to you.
Jenn@Fox in the City recently posted..Let’s All Have a Ball
Thanks Jenn. I’ve tried those things too and not sure where to go from here. I don’t even know what I’m angry about. It makes no sense sometimes.
I am so sorry Rach. I started to get like this after I went through 93472974 medical oddities. Things just became “FML”…and I veiwed everyone else as having an easy time. It made me angry and bitter towards things, events, people….it’s hard to walk around with that chip on your shoulder.
I started to write a gratitude journal. Every night I listed three things that made me smile and three things that I was blessed with. And let me tell you, it made a huge difference. Maybe that it’s something you can try??
Sending you hugs.
xoxo
Kimberly recently posted..My Favourite Time Of Day Is When I Spend It With You
I think a gratitude journal would be really good for me. I have a hard time seeing the positive and maybe I just need to make myself see the good things. I hate walking around with this dumb chip.
I care about you and I do not want you to feel this way. I wish were near each other so I could bug you in person. I would be annoying, all smiley and dorky. You would really be an angry person then. But honestly, I have a lot of anger issues in my head. It is a constant tiring struggle.
Kim recently posted..John Deere
I wish you could bug me in person too. I need that. I appreciate that from friends b/c it means they care.
I have been here before. I think when you become a mom, we sometimes get lost in translation and it is harder to meet friends with kids. I have found that since my son is now in preschool, I am able to open up to more moms. Even if it is a little extra work, be-friend one person and start there. That’s what I told myself.
Yes, one step at a time–one friend, one playdate. It’s so hard sometimes but I guess I need to try.
Afraid to be happy. I think that may very well be what you are. I can relate and sometimes I think the same thing. I know I am so blessed and I have much to be happy for but it makes me feel guilty. Because I know others are dealing with so many terrible things. I think I’m choosing to punish myself, in a way, for all the good I have and am therefore unhappy. I also feel like the good times can’t last forever and eventually something really bad is going to happy. I think I choose to be unhappy now as a way of preparing myself for when I actually have something to be unhappy about. It’s such twisted logic. Sorry for pouring my heart out in this comment. I just meant to say that I can relate to how you’re feeling. I understand and it really sucks. I hope your roller coaster will come to a stop soon and you will find your happy. Love ya, girl!
Sarcasm Goddess recently posted..They’re Taking Over the World
I totally get your logic. I’m not sure that I’m preparing myself for disappointment as much as maybe I just wouldn’t know what to do if I were happy. That I’ve been this way for so long that it just feels natural to be unhappy. Which is not at all what I want!
I totally could have written that post. I am the same way and I hate it about myself but don’t do anything to change it either. I know I need to though. Hoping we both figure it out!
Diana @ A Little Bit of Life recently posted..PYHO – What have you done for me lately?
Yes, I hope we both do figure it out!
Oh my sweet sweet friend..first I’m so glad you wrote this, that you trust enough to read it.
I often feel these conflicting feelings, to feel like I want this but I’m sabotaging my own way to that. I’d like to say we all feel this way sometime but it makes it seem like it’s less than it is for you. It’s not! It’s hard to be where you are right now, it’s sad to feel so alone and not know how to make it better .
I just want you to know that we’re here if need us. I am sending hugs and reminding you how worthy you are of all good things. (I’m sooo glad you celebrated my birtthday with me…after reading this it means even MORE to me my friend. Xoxox)
Kir recently posted..What Do You Do When Your Crush Comes A’Callin?
Sweetheart I may not know everything about you, but I love you the way you are. Big hugs.
Thank you Lindsay. I appreciate that. So much.
I can definitely identify with both the tendency to isolate and the desire to change. It is hard, but I am making progress… if you ever need to talk, I am a great listener. Hang in there, girl! Praying for you!
I’ve been following your blog and a bit of your journey so I knew you’d understand. Thank you for that. Perhaps we can “talk” one day and find a way out of this together.
I think writing and recognizing the problem is the first step for you. Hang in there. You can get over this.
Jessica recently posted..Enjoying The Cold Moments of Life
Thanks, I really hope I can too.
I love your blog, because I never need to post…. I can just come here and read about myself. In all seriousness, I totally get this…. I complain and feel the same way about the same things, but I don’t do much to change circumstances. Like I have a dinner scheduled with a friend on Friday (that’s already been rescheduled TWICE) and I already don’t want to go. I wish I had better advice for you, but in the mean time, know that you are not alone….
Sara recently posted..Why I Might Need Shots
I always say I don’t want to go and then dread it, but when I go, I always end up having a great time! It’s the motivation that I lack. Or I just get all fearful and worked up over nothing. *sigh*
I think you need to (don’t you love when people start that way?) take the pressure off yourself. I think you get down and then feel the panic to pick yourself up. Do what you feel. Be friends with who you want. If it feels like too much work, it probably is.
I’m not a good person to give advice in this situation because I’m very rarely down in the dumps. I do know, though, that when I’m feeling shitty, it’s shitty. Feels hopeless and like it’ll never get better. I do hope this is just a blip on the radar of your life. I am here for you. Anytime.
Jen Has A Pen recently posted..Wienerful Wednesday
I know I need to take the pressure off. I don’t even know why I do that to myself anyway. I envy your optimism and cheer. Send some here!
Oh Rach!
You have to want those things for yourself for those feelings to subside.
For you. For Donut. For Mr. DIY!
Thinking of you!
Life As Wife recently posted..The Apartment Monster
I do want those things. Just not sure to get from point A to point B sometimes.
I forced myself to go out and make friends when I was lonely from being home…
it’s really scary to go out there…other moms are scary
but I met one person, who introduced me to another…and so on…
and that was when I had a 9 mth old and a 2 year old…
Not a Perfect Mom recently posted..It’s Not Lemonade
Yes, other moms are scary and I hate feeling rejected and alone in a huge group of people. I just want to run and hide or be invisible. I can’t win!
By putting your thoughts and feelings into words here I hope it will open doors for you to find that peace and comforts in knowing you are not alone that there are others who feel the same way. Sending you a big big hugs!
Maureen | Tatter Scoops recently posted..On Taking Chances
I hope I can find that too. Thank you.
I’m sorry you are feeling this way, Rach! I can def relate. Especially the part about feeling lonely and then rejecting any form of friendship at the same time. Life is tough sometimes. I hope it helps a little just knowing there are so many others who support you and send their best wishes <3
Kierstyn recently posted..The Truth About Me
It’s weird how I say I want something and then run from that very thing. I wish I could stop doing that. Thank you for understanding.
Sometimes I think it’s the time of year when I get this way. NOTHING is satisfying and that’s so frustrating. I’m glad you reached out, Rach. We continue to all be here for you!
Missy | The Literal Mom recently posted..Songs that Suck – the Candy Shop
Maybe it’s the winter. Even though we haven’t had much of one, but the lack of sunlight can do it. I hope it’s just temporary.
It’s so much easier to see the bad than the good. I think that can be said for most people. Maybe you hold yourself back because you’re afraid of disappointment or rejection? Honestly Rach, I can’t imagine anyone not liking you or having a problem with you. You are one of the sweetest bloggy friends I know. I think you need to work on your self confidence. We all need to tweek our own every once in a while. I have my good days and then BAM, just like that, I’m dragging my butt and feeling down on myself. I don’t think it’s abnormal. I think it’s just part of life. Sending you a great big, tight *HUG* because you need one. No pity from me…just love♥ because you deserve it.
Yes, fear of rejection has a lot to do with it. It’s sweet that you think I’m so lovable–if only I believed that more often too! I need to do more about my confidence and boost it up. Thank you for your words–they helped a lot.
XOXOXO
Ali recently posted..WTF Wednesday – The "State of Gleepression" Edition
I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I wish I knew an easy solution. Hopefully just talking about it and putting it out there has helped. I know when I am in a funk often just admitting it has helped a lot.
Emmy recently posted..Proud Mommy Moments: The Report Card
Yes, admitting it definitely helps and will hopefully help get to the root of the matter.
I am sending hugs. So many hugs. I know this feeling. I remember when I was at my worst, reading posts and articles and finding people who said “Oh, I felt this way too!” and then they said “so I went out and made friends.” And then I wanted to throw my computer across the room. Because surely that wouldn’t work for me. I thought they understood, and just like that I knew they didn’t. So, I peaced out.
So, this is not me telling me you to go out and make friends.
This is just me saying, “I know. I hear you. It sucks.” And I love you, so you are not alone. And I know that isn’t enough, I know that doesn’t fill all the gaps in your life right now. And I’m stomping my feet and shaking my fist at the universe for you.
You are not broken. You are not wrong. You are not a bad person. There is something in your life that you need that you aren’t getting, and when you find a way to fill that need? It will be awesome. Totally awesome.
story recently posted..Blog Her Book Club: The Rules of Inheritance
Yeah, just saying “go meet friends” terrifies me. I’m not good at it. I do feel broken though. And so very tired of it.
It sounds like you have a great start with the list you wrote down. Writing always helps me process what I’m thinking. If nothing else, it allows me to get it out of my brain and gives me a checklist of things I know I need to work on. I wish you luck, girl. By the looks of it, you have support if you want it.
I know I have some great support and I need to focus on that and not look at what’s not there. Writing it out always helps me, more than I realized it could.
I’ve SO been through this too. I think we all do at times. Mine was last summer. All I could see around me where people happy and trhiving and I wasn’t. I was always sad and angry and upset. It lasted until the new year and then I said to myself, ENOUGH. I’m done letting sadness get the best of me….of course it helped that I also went to see someone for PPD and get on some medication
but it also helped to listen to the contemporary Christian station and “have church” on the way to and home from work. You’ll get through it…hugs to you.
Amanda Austin recently posted..Celebrity Roundup: Fallout
YES! I look all around and think everyone else is happier and has it all together and logically I know it isn’t true, but something in my heart says it is. But I know it’s not. I’m glad you got some help for your PPD. I know I need to do something about it now too.
When you really think about these problems you’re having, what is REALLY at the heart of it? What are you REALLY afraid of? You don’t have to tell me, or any of us, but if you can pinpoint what the real issue is, not the surface issues, it will help you overcome it.
And Rach, you must know by now, after a year of blogging, that SO MANY of us have our own issues and you’re not alone. You see that, right?
Wanna know what I see? I see a sweet new mom who loves her family more than anything but is still trying to find her footing. And that’s totally normal!
(((hugs)))
Just Jennifer recently posted..TGIF: Coffee Lovin’ Edition
I think the problem is that I don’t even know what’s at the heart of it. I can’t figure it out and I’ve tried. Or the things that I think is it really aren’t because it’s all dumb stuff that I can’t even admit outloud without saying “what? But that’s dumb!” Grrr. I know I’m not alone, but my heart sometimes makes me think I am.
I’ve struggled with this myself.
My doctor told me my anger and frustration is part of my depression so we’re still dealing with it.
It feels like a never ending battle some days.
I get it.
Leighann recently posted..Thanks for the Advice
I hope you find the answers you need too. I know it’s been rough journey for you as well.
Recognizing it and writing it out is definitely a first step in the right direction. Take small steps at a time. Maybe try a gratitude journal where you just write down something that made you happy or smile that day.m
I’ve thought about a gratitude journal. You’re the second person to mention it. Maybe that’s the nudge I need.
I wish we lived close. So our cranky selves could hang out together. xo
Shell recently posted..4 Crazy Texts When Mom Is Away
I wish I could hug you. And hang out with you.
I don’t know the answer, but I know what it’s like to feel like that.
Robin | Farewell, Stranger recently posted..Writing Dangerously