There have been many, many times over the last few weeks since Baby Brother arrived that I’ve thought to myself, “I wish I could’ve been a second-time mom the first time around.”
It’s already been 6 weeks and I really feel like the time has flown. Yes, despite the sleepless nights, despite the long nursing sessions and continuous poopy diapers.
I remember with Donut feeling like every day was never-ending. I remember thinking that I would nurse forever, that she’d cry forever and that I’d never sleep again. It was hard for me to understand that things would change. I just didn’t know.
I was fearful, I was angry. I was kicking and screaming at my new life change. I cried a lot. I hated being out of control.
This time is different. It’s not that the baby isn’t acting like a baby. I nurse all the time, he wakes up at night, he cries and screams. It’s that I have a different perspective. I have the benefit of experience now.
I keep telling myself that it won’t be like this forever. He’ll get bigger, he’ll sit up one day so I don’t have to carry him around all the time. He’ll sleep through the night one day and so will I. He won’t spit up on my all day long and I can own nice clothes again.
I know things will change. I know we will have bad days but I know we will have good ones too. I know he will grow up and I will miss my tiny baby.
I’m not fearful or angry. I’m not kicking and screaming at my new life change. I’m not crying a lot. I’m not hating being out of control.
What a difference this perspective would have made the first time. I had friends tell me it would change but I didn’t believe them. It’s hard to tell a new mom any of this because she doesn’t understand when she’s in the middle of it. And that’s ok. It’s ok to let new motherhood be hard. It’s what makes us stronger. It’s what makes us better and wiser moms.
But just a quick word to my Donut: Sorry that you were the guinea pig, kid. But you taught me a lot this time around. And I love you and thank you for it. Also? Forgive me. Love, Mom.