I’ve been thinking a lot about the pressure we put on ourselves, especially as moms. I don’t remember being this hard on myself before I had children, though I did press myself in other areas. But I don’t remember trying this hard to prove myself, to get everything right. I don’t remember all this guilt and feelings of inadequacy.
It seems like as moms we just want to get it all right. I see so many blogs about 101 Ways to Entertain Your 2 Year Old, 10 Things to Tell Your Daughter Today, 50 Foods to Ensure Your Child is a Genius. They’re filled with busy bags, toddler trays, sensory boxes. The guilt I feel about not doing all these things can be overwhelming.
Is my child destined to fail if she’s not constantly entertained by me? If I’m not reading to her all day long or providing stimulating activities? I admit part of the reason I started my little curriculum with Donut was out of intense mom guilt–like I should be doing something more.
And then I look at all the ways we as moms need to keep ourselves happy and whole. Be more creative, they say. Look for gratitude. Spend time on you, eat whole foods, lay aside the guilt, do, do, do, be, be, be. Don’t they know how tired I am? Can’t they see the mounds of laundry and the endless trail of goldfish cracker crumbs under my couch?
And food. Don’t get me started. No processed foods (which I do agree with, but sometimes, it’s all I’ve got time for), make everything from scratch, go paleo, dairy-free, carb-less. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with doing these things, I’m just overwhelmed by it all.
It so often feels like I’m doing way too much, but yet it’s never enough.
There’s too much to keep up with, too many ways to feel like we are cheating our families, our homes, health and happiness. There’s so much advice on how to be happy and raise happy kids. Again, I’m not saying it’s wrong or unhelpful, but sometimes it’s a lot to take in.
And that adds more stress and guilt to how I already feel. It makes me want to lie down on the couch and curl into a ball. Which leads to feelings of being unproductive, lazy…
It’s such a hard place to be. Maybe you’ve found the balance, maybe you’ve learned to shrug off the guilt in certain areas. Perhaps it’s just a matter of knowing what matters and what really shouldn’t and just knowing what does and doesn’t work for our families. Perhaps it’s time for me to just stop wanting to have and do it all.
Linking up with Shell
Oh, there’s so much pressure- and social media just makes it worse. Because we see only someone’s best- their activities and their meals that impress. I try to remind myself that we aren’t seeing it all and those same moms probably have days when they just watch tv with their kids and eat fast food.
Shell recently posted..Getting Through the Rough Spots in Marriage: Pour Your Heart Out
I keep reminding myself that we’re only seeing someone’s best too. Nobody really puts up their crummy side do they?
I think mom guilt is just a part of motherhood. My husband looks at me like I’m crazy when I tell him some of the things that I feel guilty about. All we can really do is our best (and it won’t be perfect) and trust that the kids will grow up just fine, knowing that they’re loved.
Patricia recently posted..Facing the Fire Baton
My husband does the same. He’s constantly telling me to let things go but it’s so hard!
I probably should have felt guilty that I fed my kids dinner thanks to PAnda Express…but I don’t! We were busy with practices and celebrations & finishing up science fair project..all worthwhile and fun.
Robbie recently posted..Childhood Memories
No, you shouldn’t feel guilty. Once in a while we need to do Chik-fil-A!
you said it EXACTLY right. My parents didn’t entertain my 24/7. They made me go outside and play with friends or my sibling.
I am swimming in laundry, crumbs, and toys and am exhausted after working all day and then coming home to a family that I entertain. I’m so with you on this Rach!
Leighann recently posted..This Chick Right Here
What you said, Rach.
I Pin all these kids activities, I try a few out for size, and more often than not, they’re abandoned, because my kids would rather throw blocks around the house, and zoom cars, than involve themselves in dedicated sensory play. Then I feel like maybe I need to do more. But heck, half the day, I’m on the floor with them! Sure, I cat nap for a few minutes here and there, but I shouldn’t have to feel guilty about that.
I guess what is enough is when your children are healthy and happy. And your enough is different from someone else’s.
Alison recently posted..Things I Learned From (Getting Into And) Staying In The Picture
Yes, this is exactly how I feel. Like I should always be doing more because I am not doing enough! And like Shell said, social media makes it worse.
Carolyn recently posted..Our Vacation – Costa Rica
Rach,
I so get this. The mama guilt just eats at me some days. I am finally at a place where I have developed a tougher skin. I am doing the best that I can for my family. You are doing the best that you can for your family. That is all that matters. Hugs.
Jenny recently posted..All You Need Is Love
I couldn’t agree more! Since having my first 18 years ago I have said guilt comes hand in hand with the baby. There is always that nagging at the back of your mind but honestly since blogs, facebook and pinterest came along that has magnified my guilt and feelings of inadequacy.
I feel the same way, there is always something shouting at us, do better, do more, be happier, be healthier. Everywhere you look it’s like you are just not good enough. I feel it too and I fight it every day. Some times it helps just to tune it out.
Julia recently posted..Where Nobody Knows You’re Name
I feel this way, too. As I sip my caffeine-filled coke while the kids have pre sliced oranges from a can with their turkey sandwiches. We did put some beans in plastic baggies with wet paper towels to see if they would grow…but like most of my “activities,” it took 3 minutes and I wanted out after minute number 1.
It has taken me a LONG time and tons of therapy to learn how to let go of the guilt, the comparing, my inner critic. And yet I still have days when I can’t shake it and I just want to lay on the couch and watch a Maury Povich marathon.
And please don’t look under my couch. I haven’t cleaned under there in months. I wish I were kidding.
(HUGS)
Susan recently posted..On Fakebook and Keepin’ It Real
There is mom guilt everywhere you look. And guilt about not being involved enough at church. And guilt about not praying with my husband more. And guilt about not doing enough to build my marriage. As you can see, I agree with you wholeheartedly.
Rachel, you expressed here what many of us feel. I am with you on feeling guilty at times that I don’t “stimulate” my little one enough, or don’t give them each equal amounts of time etc. My husband has this saying “We do what we can with what we have. We are only human after all.” I try not to let it all get to me… but some days it’s hard.
Susi recently posted..Cute little chicks {Wordless Wednesday}
So very important. These words are critical. Thank you for the reminder. It is so very easy to “fail” based on everyone else. Sigh … and then we set our own criteria and we’re bound to lose. Love this. You’re doing enough. We all are. It just takes a reminder now and then so we SEE it.
Andrea recently posted..That girl.
You’re right he guilt can eat you up. BUT one thing I’m learning is that my kids are happy if I’m happy. I’ve been taking a bit more time for myself lately. I work out, I write, I buy myself clothes here and there. I do try my best but my definition of that has changed so much since my second came along. I go a lot easier on myself because there’s no point in making myself the enemy. Big hugs!
Kim recently posted..Assume nothing
I think we all feel this way sometimes…and it’s ok. But just know you are a great mommy and your child is healthy and thriving and that is what matters the most!
Natalie recently posted..Splish, Splash!
You said this perfectly. I’ve never found a balance – and unfortunately I’m mostly certain I’m never doing enough for my kids
Katie E recently posted..You’re Not Ready for This
I was finding that Social Media made it worse – and I finally stopped paying attention to it all. My boys are happy and well adjusted. They find ways to entertain themselves when I can’t entertain them and it has helped their imagination. I had to learn to let go of my pre-conceived notions of “perfection” to find my balance.
Barbara recently posted..Friday in an Instant
That is totally why I started the Time For Tots day a few years ago- the guilt and wondering if I was doing enough. And truly it is a balancing game and as soon as you get it figured out things will change in your life and you will have to refigure it out. So just remember almost everyday we are all trying to refigure it out– people just like to post and “show off” on those few days they have it.
Emmy recently posted..Gaze Into Heaven: A Book Review
I love the amount of emotion in your posts – the raw honesty. You’re saying what so many of us I’m sure are feeling but not able to put into words! Me for sure! I constantly feel inadequate as a mother – just not quite able to measure up.
Samantha recently posted..Rubber Boots and Cupcakes
Oh my gosh. I read this and want to cover my eyes. My son is three weeks old and I’m battling baby blues. I can’t imagine all the things you mentioned in this post. Information overload.
I often say from the moment you find out you are pregnant you start to feel that Mommy guilt. All you can do is your very best, enjoy the sunshine and the smiles and try to let the guilt wash. Rest in the knowledge that you are a great Mama.
YES. And on top of that, you’ve got the “Enjoy it now” chorus from experienced mothers…because “it goes by in the blink of an eye.” Which of course you know, but now feel extra special guilty over.
Sigh.
Keely recently posted..3 Year Olds Have A Lot Of Ever-Changing Rules.